Thursday, March 17, 2011

My Fictional Character Role Model

Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation) is my fictional character role model.

Ron Swanson Quotes

"I think the entire government should be privatized. Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck."

"Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the Earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses, but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace."

"The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful."

"What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it, and can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?"

"I'm an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi."

"Right off the bat, we sell city hall. Let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a TJ Maxx"

"Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons."

"Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye"

"The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."


  1. 3/24/2011: "Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, but I still get to kill things."

  2. 3/31/2011: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard."

  3. 4/7/2011: "If you don't believe in love, what's the point in living?"

  4. 4/14/2011: "What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?"

  5. 4/15/2011: "The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy."

  6. 5/7/2011: "Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like."

  7. 5/16/2011: "It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teet until they have sore, chapped nipples. I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old."

  8. 9/29/2011: "I hope the rest of your day is cool beans."

  9. 10/13/2011: When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

  10. 11/6/2011: "What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none-of-your-goddamn-business."